I have done much couple counseling over the years. Inevitably, during the first session when I am working with a couple to determine what brought them to counseling, one will say something that implies, “If he/she would just change, everything would be ok!” It is so easy to see the speck in another person’s eye before you see the log in your own.
Rarely is one person totally “to blame” for problems in a relationship. I see relationships being something like doing a dance. When you are doing complementary dance steps, everything flows together, either for better OR for worse! Sometimes one person’s “dance step” facilitates the negative behavior of the other that that partner complains about. (*Note my comment below that recognizes domestic violence as an exception.) When one partner changes their dance steps by behaving differently, it often forces the other person to change, or, at least, to become more aware of their own behavior. If you remember your partner’s “love language” from a time when things were going well between you, you might want to take those loving dance steps. Say “I love you” more often. Give the foot rubs that your partner used to like. Surprise them by cleaning out their car or making their favorite meal, and you may start to turn the corner in your relationship, even if you don’t feel loving when you first start behaving differently. There are too many variations of this to include in a blog post, but I hope you can see how this can start to soften the feelings between you. When you start to change, your partner may also be more loving in their behavior.
When one partner is adamant about how bad the relationship and their partner is, I ask that person to describe the relationship they DO want to have. That one question sometimes causes clients to stop and struggle for an answer and then revert to criticizing the other person who they are certain is the problem. When making a change in your life, whether as an individual, as a couple, or even in your professional life, you are more likely to find success if your goal is clear. Saying what you do’t want doesn’t give you a picture of your destination and the steps you will need to take to arrive there. Do you envision a relationship with more physical affection, shared ideas about money or parenting, or simply more fun times together, as you once had? What are the baby steps, or dance steps, you can take toward that goal? Remember, your actions affect your partner, just as their actions may have caused you to seek a counselor to “change” them!
I encourage you to take steps toward being a better partner, and you may be happy to find the loving relationship that you have been wanting!
Jane Pavich, LCSW, May 1, 2020
*I want to be clear that I would never, ever consider a person to be complicit in the verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse by their partner or suggest that the victim of abuse needs to change their own behavior. If you are being abused by your partner, please contact your local domestic violence services or law enforcement when it is safe for you to do so. -Jane
